Death Says “Checkmate” In An All New Bean’s Death Corner

You know how much I love death and if you are reading this, you do too. We’ve got a terrific batch of fresh corpses to discuss today, including:

The man who was drowned after being attacked BY A SWAN!

The family that sold meat pies, made out of MURDER VICTIMS!

The 5’11” woman convicted of beating a dwarf to death with A CRYSTAL BALL!

The actor who died on stage while playing a character who COMMITTED SUICIDE!

And yet another guy electrocuted after urinating on a railroad’s THIRD RAIL!

swangetty22 Death Says Checkmate In An All New Beans Death Corner

Courtesy Getty Images

Anthony Hensley “worked for a company that used swans and dogs to keep geese away from properties.”

“He was checking on the swans near the Bay Colony condominiums in unincorporated Des Plaines, (Illinois) Saturday morning when one of the swans swam at him, causing Hensley to roll off his kayak into the water.”

“According to witnesses, the swan continued to swim after Hensley as he tried to make it to shore. By the time rescue personnel arrived, Hensley was under water. An autopsy found he died from drowing.”

Thanks, Chicago Sun-Times.

PAGE 2 What or who are we eating?

meatpiegetty1 Death Says Checkmate In An All New Beans Death Corner

Courtesy Getty Images

This story from Brazil seems like just another crazy mass murderer, with up to as many at ten victims. But two things stand out about 51-year-old Jorge Negroponte.

First, his accomplices were both his wife and his mistress.

Second, the parts of his victims they didn’t eat themselves, I said, the parts THEY DIDN’T EAT THEMSELVES, they then cooked into stuffed meat pies and sold them to neighbors, schools and hospitals.

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!

Tell me more, KTLA, Channel 5!

PAGE 3 Fight, Fight, Fight.

s clara blocker mug shot large1 Death Says Checkmate In An All New Beans Death CornerArguments get out of hand sometimes but 40-year-old photo Clara Ann Blocker will have a whole lotta years to think about how she could have handled one fight differently.

She’s just been sentenced to life in prison for the first degree murder of 41-year-old Eric Saxton. At 5’11” she certainly had the height advantage over her 4’5″ dwarf roommate.

At first she told the police that she wouldn’t have done anything to hurt Saxton because “he’s a little person” but then confessed she had killed him by hitting him in the head with a crystal ball. Is that a knick-knack or something? The she picked up a DVD player and continued beating him.

No word on what started the fight but bad form, lady. Little people are a blessing.

Powered by The Oklahoman, the state’s most trusted news!

PAGE 4 What happened to Judas?

59813060 brazil itarare 2304 cmp Death Says Checkmate In An All New Beans Death Corner

Tiago Klimeck, a Brazilian actor, got the sweet gig playing Judas in an Easter passion play. He’s the bad guy in the New Testament, in case you don’t remember, and there’s a scene where he kills himself which is what inevitably happens to guys who are mean to Jesus.

He was hanging on stage for about four minutes before the other actors thought, “Hey, that fake noose looks more realistic that usual tonight!”

Don’t know if the play went on but that was not a Good Friday for that dude.

Take it way, BBC!

PAGE 5 This last story is shocking!

cta purple line south blvd Death Says Checkmate In An All New Beans Death Corner

And finally, you’ve heard of the “third rail of American politics? That’s an expression about things like cutting Social Security, something so unpopular that no politician would support it for fear of losing support.

The actual third rail the phrase is based on is the electrified rail on train tracks that power some subways train systems. And all you have to do is touch it to die.

The latest rail electrocution victim is 27-year-old Zachary McKee, and Indiana man visiting Chicago last weekend to take in a Cubs game.

He climbed down to the tracks to urinate (wtf?) when he came in contact with the third rail and was instantly killed.

He was at least the third shock victim of the Chicago ‘L’ Track.

So don’t do that. And don’t do anything else dumb to get yourself killed. I want you back here to read the next Bean’s Death Corner, not be on it.

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