“Death I Hear You Calling, But I Can’t Come Home Right Now…”

Congratulations! Unlike Whitney, you are not mentioned in today’s all new Bean’s Death Corner!

But not everyone has been so lucky this month. Just this week, a Philadelphia man was shot to death in a neighborly dispute over dog poop!

There’s the Chinese man who died doing what he loved: playing video games. The people in the internet cafe where he died must have been obsessed too because you won’t believe how long his corpse sat there before anyone noticed.

How about the guy who jumped into a river to pull a woman out of her sinking car? She was already back on the shore in time to watch her rescuer drown.

We’ve got an update on the worst honeymoon ever. The groom killed the wife for the insurance money. On their honeymoon. They did make it almost a week though.

R.I.P. the doofus guy who saw Bear Grylls live in the wild on TV and thought, “I can do that!” Well, he couldn’t.

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Tyrirk Harris
(I would convict him based on his name being “Tyrirk”) apparently lets his two dogs, a German Shephard and a Chihuahua, run wild in his Philadelphia neighborhood and they can poop where they like.

“Not cool,” said Franklin Santana, who had walked two doors down from his house to confront Harris about all the pooping.

Well, Harris had a 9mm gun and used it and now Santana is dead. Over dog poop. What’s the lesson here? Pick your battles? Or take an even bigger gun with you when you go to talk to your neighbor about something?

The Philly NBC-TV station has more here.

PAGE 2 Internet Cafes will kill you.

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Gamers at Internet cafe in China (Getty Images)

23-year-old Chen Rong-yu walked into a Chinese internet cafe Tuesday night to get his fix of the online game League Of Legends.

He played all night long, barely moving from his seat, and was last noticed alive around noon on Wednesday. When a waitress noticed he was actually dead sometime after nine o’clock that night his corpse had already become stiff “with his hands still stretching toward the computer.”

The investigation is ongoing but doctors say it is likely he died of a heart attack brought on by blot clots that formed from him being a video-game-playing fatass. Hey, Rong-yu! You wrong!

Get more from Yahoo.com.

PAGE 3 Saving your GF can be deadly.

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Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images

No one can blame Chris Heaton for his first instinct when he arrived at the meeting place near a boat ramp for a date with his girlfriend last week. He came across her car, already in the water and sinking fast!

So he ran to the river and jumped in, meaning to save his beloved from a watery grave.

What he didn’t know was that the car was already empty. She had already escaped from the car and was pulled out of the water by a fisherman. And she was already back on dry land when her boyfriend jumped in after her.

Even only 20 yards apart, they did not see each other in time so she lived and he died going after her. D’oh!

Here’s the Times Free Press with the rest of the story.

PAGE 4 This is not the way to start a marriage.

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Gabe and Tina Watson were college sweethearts in Alabama who got married in October of 2003 and headed Down Under for a dream honeymoon to Australia‘s Great Barrier Reef.

It was there that they went scuba diving and a horrible, unthinkable accident happened to Tina who was new to diving. Or, it was there that Gabe, an experienced underwater diver, carried out his plan to bear hug her while turning off her air supply and waiting for her to drown.

Finding out what happened that day more than eight years ago is the goal of a trial finally getting underway in Birmingham, Alabama this month. Prosecutors say he did it so “he could collect on a modest life insurance policy.”

Sounds like something out of a bad Eric Roberts movie or something but really? Can you imagine going though the charade of an engagement and then a wedding so days later you could murder your spouse for some money? Or being so fooled by the man you were marrying that you think you’ve met your soul mate and then: Bad Surprise! Now you can’t breathe!

But speaking of really short marriages, why couldn’t Gabe have married Kim Kardashian instead?

More on this less-than-successful marriage here.

PAGE 5 Bear Grylls you are not sir.

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29-year-old David Austin thinks very differently than I do. When I watch the Bear Grylls survival reality show I think, “Thank God I don’t have to cook a squirrel for dinner tonight or build shelter out of a snowbank.”

But Dave thinks, uh thought, “Hey, I could do that!” So he cleared his schedule for a year, said goodbye to his friends and family and headed off into the wild to live by his wits.

Speaking of Into The Wild, the guy in that movie learned the same lesson David Austin did the same way. By dying. In this case, after less than three weeks of trying to live outdoors in the middle of a cold, snowy, European winter. Dumbass. Dead dumbass.

I don’t know what the Warming Glow is but they’ve got more.

Okay, team, that’s all for this week. Thanks for reading, thanks for listening to the Kevin & Bean Show and thanks for not dying. Y’all hear?

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