I have always loved the Olympics. Remember that time those dudes who hated each other skated together? For me, that was the greatest Olympic moment in history.

Why does the Olympics need my help? Find out next!  ->

When I was a little boy, I used to sit in front of the TV watching the Olympics by myself. My brothers, or mom or dad would walk through the room and I’d say “Hey, does anybody want to watch the Olympics with me?.” They just kept walking figuring if they didn’t acknowledge me I wasn’t really there.

But nothing is perfect, so now that I’m practically in charge, I’m planning on making a few changes, and when everything turns around, my family will be “locked out.” They’ll be locked out of “surf and turf” night and they’ll be locked out of “veal cutlet” night as well.

Change number 1 will be the Olympic logo. Not the 5 interlocking rings but the logo that each host city comes up with.  The one Vancouver came up with BALOOWWWS.

WTF? What kind of drugs are they doin’ north of the border? They were all sitting around the table, and someone said, “my 4-year-old colored  a giant green head, long dark blue shoulders, a powder blue stomach, and a yellow leg and a red leg that are both fat?” And everybody voted and said “Genius!” “Let’s drink.”

As for the “sports”, here are my changes.

Figure Skating? Nope. Drunk Figure Skating? Yes.

Ice Dancing? Nope. Drunk Ice Dancing? Yes.

That thing where they cross-country ski with a rifle on their back, and then they shoot targets, and then cross-country ski some more? I’m in.

Hockey? One of the two sports that matters the most.

Snowboarding? The other sport that matters the most.

Downhill Skiing? Good. Dangerous. Would be better either with alcohol  or with weapons.

The Luge? What could go wrong with that?

And that brings me to my ultimate nemesis, Curling. What retard came up with this? They push a giant-sized puck and then have two people who go ahead and sweep the ice as it goes. Curling can die. But at least it’s not about 80% of the Winter Olympics. Seriously. 500 elimination rounds. Stop it.

So basically the X-Games destroy the Olympics except for the fact that there’s no hockey at the X-Games. But add alcohol and/or weapons to each event, and now the Olympics are talkin’ my language.

Oh, and I forgot to mention one other factor. A lot of the U.S. Olympians are smokin’ hot. And that works.